My husband and I had had our first home on the sixth floor. I remember this because when I had my first child, I always spent time hanging clothes and praying that I would just fall off from the balcony of the sixth floor and die.
Astaghfirullah-I was not having problems in my life, and I see no reason why I would ever attempt suicide even if it is in an indirect way. I have a caring and loving husband who admires our new baby boy. There was nothing I lacked or caused me stress as there was money, food, a good home but the issue was, I was suffering from postpartum depression.
Well, our traditional nurses or matriarchs do not understand the meaning of postpartum depression, believing a nursing mother should always be depressed. This is because they believe that the sleep deprivation, the constant worrying over the baby’s safety, temperature, welfare and also managing the house can be quite challenging to a nursing mother and that is where it ends but not thinking of suicide.
Postpartum depression and baby blues are quite different, and these differences should be clearly defined. Both cases would leave the nursing mother with miserable and unhappiness; however, the baby blues would always disappear within weeks of delivery but not the postpartum depression which hangs on.
The postpartum depression is known to last for long time and is associated with sleep deprivation, lack of appetite, anti-socialism, and even disliking the baby. To make the matter worse, feelings of guilt, anxiety, unable to complete tasks and the thought of harming the baby or self can be experienced.
Well, my postpartum depression was just me wishing that something terrible would happen to me so that I would leave my son without a mother. I had issues with sleeping that when my son slept, I would stay awake long, sometimes, his cries would haunt me even when he was away with his father or even sleeping peacefully.
A lot of times, some people say that in Islam there is no depression, I do not understand why they make this statement as Allah never tells us that we will have a rest with him, if our heart is in misery. Allah will not give us solace or healing of our heart if there is no healing to our heart. However, from a cultural view, it would be a taboo to accept depression. This is the reason why I never told anyone including my husband what I was passing through.
Alḥamdulillāh while days turned into months, I started getting over my case of PPD, I began to regain my mind control, the thought of death began to leave and I started sleeping gradually. I never made this open to anyone until one year after my depression. This was when one of my friends told me she was taking a survey on postpartum depression. However, my mother in law denies PPD existing even though I was not sleeping well, paralyzed mentally , unable to eat for 36hours.
‘What about you?’
I cried when my baby cried, and babies always cry.
Well, what about me? I suffered from PPD after I gave birth to my daughter. It was so bad that I would come down with panic attacks that were sudden, chest pain and hopelessness that was overwhelming and that I was never going to be better, and life was not going to be like I used to know it. The baby would cry, and I would join.
I considered Islam greatly and my children were the greatest asset that Allah had given me; however, the issues with the post pregnancy hormonal imbalance, the stress of having a new baby and sleep deprivation, I did not think that everything was normal
How did I survive the PPD stress? Alḥamdulillāh, I did not need drugs or medication. I needed support of my husband and his understanding. Then most importantly, I wanted my heart to be healed with the help of the Qur’an. When it seems that the walls are closing around me, and anxiety are almost choking me, I would recite the Qur’an and then I would only stop when I am relieved.
This means that I may recite the Qur’an long as it is the solution that gets me out of PPD fast and make me normal when I remember the blessings of Allah upon my life, and then I would have my spirit calm and stop worrying. I memorized new surahs and then fell in love with ayahs that took away my pain as it spoke to me directly.
I had a miscarriage two years after I gave birth to my second daughter. Even though I did not show it outwardly that I was broken inside and always crying whenever I was alone. I felt guilty for not looking for what Allah has made available for me, and I started reading Qur’an more than before to get myself together.
Alḥamdulillāh, the knowledge of attending Islamic classes, that my husband has forced me to attend, lifted the darkness away from me. In my condition, I was fighting depression as well as trying to bring up my two kids. I found myself in pain that got nothing to do with (‘Ilm) knowledge, as I was looking for ‘Ilm the more, I discovered that pain was leaving me. Then, I found lightness and joy that filled my heart like when my (īmān) faith was at its peak. This has taught me to read the Qur’an or ’Ilm whenever I need to hold the light and take away the darkness.
That is my postpartum depression experience, and I know that every woman who has gone through this would always have a different story. The joy of being a Muslim is immense that anyone would be able to take the healing that Allah has provided through the Qur’an.
It may be that you are a new nursing mother, may have overworked yourself, feeling sad or misery over a lot of issues, depressed or thinking of suicide or afraid of one thing or the other, you should try and meet other people who would get you out of PPD within a short time. You should make use of (du‘ā’) prayers and Qur’an to soothe your broken heart.
For those who are fathers for the first time, postpartum depression is common and should not be taken as a shame or social stigma, which may stop your life from taking advice or support from others. May Allah give us the strength and patience to overcome our burden and give us the power to bear all.
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